Motherhood is far more beautiful and far more challenging than I imagined, like most good things in this life. Lucy is a little over two weeks old, and we’re both learning what it means to be together in this great big world. I wish I could say that I began the journey of parenthood with resolute grace, but the honest truth is that motherhood is hard and there have already been many moments when I’ve stumbled.
But there have also been countless moments like this: sweet love and powerful connection. Ryan and I are in awe of our daughter. The way she lifts her head up when I place her on my chest. The quiet noises she makes as she nurses. The dark blue-grey eyes that see our world fresh. She is nothing short of miraculous. She reminds me that there is so much more love in this world than hate.
We’ve been venturing out more and more. Grocery stores, coffee shops, the homes of family and friends. We can’t stay out long but the change of scenery is much needed. What a difference from just a month ago! I miss being pregnant on some days. The relative ease it…you know that a life depends on you but you still have so much mobility and freedom. Now, I introduce my baby to people who once commented on my growing stomach. They ooh while she breathes those sweet and short baby breaths. I am so proud of her, and I realize, already, that she is her own person. Perhaps that is what makes the transition from pregnancy to motherhood somewhat difficult. We’ve gone from one to two.
And yet I know that these pains are the first of many. It is no surprise that labor is both painful and exhilarating…it sets the stage for what is to come. Motherhood is surely the sweetest of all roles and also the one most rife with mourning. Each new stage requires the letting go of the old. I hope and pray that I’m brave enough to set aside my own selfish desires so that Lucy can grow into the beautiful and strong woman she’s meant to be.
So yes, we are happy and well and growing and changing. I haven’t been in the kitchen much (due to both sleep deprivation and a lack of AC). But I promise that there are many recipes in the works, and as always, I’m looking forward to sharing them with you.
Three Weeks
So here I sit, with a baby wrapped onto my chest. This is how I spend mornings now: holding, soothing, nurturing, and attempting to feed both of us. The demands of a newborn have made my life feel both miraculous and simple. I am more grateful for this gift each day.
Lucy is three weeks old. Last night, while I nursed, I watched our birth video and remembered, yet again, the moments that brought her into this world. She’s a good baby. She cries when she’s hungry and only occasionally fusses when we put her down in her bassinet. She’s almost ten pounds, and her doctor says she’s growing well. We spend our days singing to her, telling her stories, walking with her, and bringing her to the people we call family and friends.
Yesterday afternoon, after a day of drenching rain, I made a batch of lemon zucchini bread. Lucy watched me as I moved throughout the kitchen, her bright eyes drawn to the sunlight finally peaking out from behind the clouds. She drifted off to sleep and began crying only five minutes after I had put the loaves into the oven. Her timing is quite often perfect.
And so I nursed her as I waited for the loaves to finish. The sweet smell of rising bread filled my house as I held my daughter (unbelievable still!) to my chest.
4 weeks
So the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby boy yesterday. Just 4 weeks shy of Lucille Amelia’s arrival in this word. It’s hard to believe she’s a month old in some moments (like when I look at pictures of her lying on my chest just hours after birth…and I feel like we first met just yesterday). But then in other moments I feel like we’ve never been without her (like when I wake up beside her and find those bright blue eyes staring right at me).
Life with a newborn is ever changing. We learn one routine and then she quickly establishes another. Some nights she’ll wake me up twice and then other nights I feel like I’m up every hour. She fusses at lunch one day, then at dinner the next. She prefers the right breast on Monday, the left breast on Tuesday. Change. Change. Change. However, this truth remains constant: our need for each other. And while this need is now largely physical (these newborns can nurse!), I know that this is only the beginning of a beautiful and lasting bond.
She smiles at us, she laughs while she sleeps, she screams when my milk doesn’t let down fast enough…or when it comes on too strong. She loves being held by her papa and she loves being bound close to my chest. We started cloth diapering her yesterday, and we’re hoping that the introduction of a pacifier will make our life at least a little bit easier at least some of the time.
I’m surrounded by friends and family that love her and me and Ryan. They’ve showered us with food and visits and words of encouragement. All new mamas need to be told that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and then to be given tangible support. We have been richly blessed.
And so I’m making ice cream sandwiches and pesto pasta and maybe even a loaf of bread in the days to come (we’re getting AC installed tomorrow). My recipes are less involved post-baby but still just as cathartic. Because motherhood is wonderful but also tiring, and I still find the greatest surge of energy when I’m able to set my thoughts aside and step behind a mixing bowl to create.