Motherhood is far more beautiful and far more challenging than I imagined, like most good things in this life. Lucy is a little over two weeks old, and we’re both learning what it means to be together in this great big world. I wish I could say that I began the journey of parenthood with resolute grace, but the honest truth is that motherhood is hard and there have already been many moments when I’ve stumbled.

 

But there have also been countless moments like this: sweet love and powerful connection. Ryan and I are in awe of our daughter. The way she lifts her head up when I place her on my chest. The quiet noises she makes as she nurses. The dark blue-grey eyes that see our world fresh. She is nothing short of miraculous. She reminds me that there is so much more love in this world than hate.

 

 

We’ve been venturing out more and more. Grocery stores, coffee shops, the homes of family and friends. We can’t stay out long but the change of scenery is much needed. What a difference from just a month ago! I miss being pregnant on some days. The relative ease it…you know that a life depends on you but you still have so much mobility and freedom.  Now, I introduce my baby to people who once commented on my growing stomach.  They ooh while she breathes those sweet and short baby breaths. I am so proud of her, and I realize, already, that she is her own person. Perhaps that is what makes the transition from pregnancy to motherhood somewhat difficult. We’ve gone from one to two.

 

 

And yet I know that these pains are the first of many.  It is no surprise that labor is both painful and exhilarating…it sets the stage for what is to come. Motherhood is surely the sweetest of all roles and also the one most rife with mourning. Each new stage requires the letting go of the old. I hope and pray that I’m brave enough to set aside my own selfish desires so that Lucy can grow into the beautiful and strong woman she’s meant to be.

 

 

So yes, we are happy and well and growing and changing. I haven’t been in the kitchen much (due to both sleep deprivation and a lack of AC). But I promise that there are many recipes in the works, and as always, I’m looking forward to sharing them with you.

Three Weeks

So here I sit, with a baby wrapped onto my chest. This is how I spend mornings now: holding, soothing, nurturing, and attempting to feed both of us. The demands of a newborn have made my life feel both miraculous and simple. I am more grateful for this gift each day.

 

 

Lucy is three weeks old. Last night, while I nursed, I watched our birth video and remembered, yet again, the moments that brought her into this world. She’s a good baby. She cries when she’s hungry and only occasionally fusses when we put her down in her bassinet. She’s almost ten pounds, and her doctor says she’s growing well. We spend our days singing to her, telling her stories, walking with her, and bringing her to the people we call family and friends.  

 

 

Yesterday afternoon, after a day of drenching rain, I made a batch of lemon zucchini bread. Lucy watched me as I moved throughout the kitchen, her bright eyes drawn to the sunlight finally peaking out from behind the clouds. She drifted off to sleep and began crying only five minutes after I had put the loaves into the oven. Her timing is quite often perfect.

 

 

And so I nursed her as I waited for the loaves to finish. The sweet smell of rising bread filled my house as I held my daughter (unbelievable still!) to my chest.

4 weeks

So the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby boy yesterday. Just 4 weeks shy of Lucille Amelia’s arrival in this word. It’s hard to believe she’s a month old in some moments (like when I look at pictures of her lying on my chest just hours after birth…and I feel like we first met just yesterday). But then in other moments I feel like we’ve never been without her (like when I wake up beside her and find those bright blue eyes staring right at me).

 

Life with a newborn is ever changing. We learn one routine and then she quickly establishes another. Some nights she’ll wake me up twice and then other nights I feel like I’m up every hour. She fusses at lunch one day, then at dinner the next. She prefers the right breast on Monday, the left breast on Tuesday. Change. Change. Change. However, this truth remains constant: our need for each other. And while this need is now largely physical (these newborns can nurse!), I know that this is only the beginning of a beautiful and lasting bond.

 

 

She smiles at us, she laughs while she sleeps, she screams when my milk doesn’t let down fast enough…or when it comes on too strong. She loves being held by her papa and she loves being bound close to my chest. We started cloth diapering her yesterday, and we’re hoping that the introduction of a pacifier will make our life at least a little bit easier at least some of the time.

 

I’m surrounded by friends and family that love her and me and Ryan. They’ve showered us with food and visits and words of encouragement. All new mamas need to be told that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and then to be given tangible support. We have been richly blessed.

 

 

And so I’m making ice cream sandwiches and pesto pasta and maybe even a loaf of bread in the days to come (we’re getting AC installed tomorrow). My recipes are less involved post-baby but still just as cathartic. Because motherhood is wonderful but also tiring, and I still find the greatest surge of energy when I’m able to set my thoughts aside and step behind a mixing bowl to create.

I knew it would take me a few days to write Lucy’s birth story. And to be honest, I still haven’t fully processed what I can only call “the most defining experience of my life.” So accept this for what it is: a feeble attempt to describe something beyond words.

On Monday, June 24^th, I went to the OB with my mom to take a non-stress test. My doctor wanted to watch the baby closely, as I was 5 days overdue. I had several contractions during the test and thankfully Lucy responded exactly like they wanted. My mom and I stopped at Starbucks to pick up water and then headed to Hobby Lobby to buy a few frames for my mom’s guest bathroom.

As we walked around the store, my Braxton Hicks contractions began to change. I started to feel cramps along with the typical tightening of my abdomen. I told my mom, and we both smiled. We knew that this likely meant labor was near. On the drive home, the contractions continued. I called Ryan and sent my doula a message. I didn’t want to get anyone too excited, but I felt like something was finally happening.

I spent the afternoon with my mom and sister. The contractions were coming about every 7-10 minutes but they were mild. I could shop, I could make dinner, I could talk on the phone. As the sun began to set, my contractions died down. By the time we went to bed, they were gone. I felt disappointed and discouraged. Even embarrassed. Would this baby ever come?

The next morning I woke up. Ryan and I talked softly in bed and then I went to make breakfast. There were no contractions. No cramps. Nothing. I called my mom and told her that despite my hopes yesterday, we wouldn’t be having a baby anytime soon. But just after I got off the phone and set the timer for my hard boiled eggs, the first contraction hit. And I knew immediately that this was for real. I called my doula and my mom. I told them we still had plenty of time but to get ready to go to the hospital later that morning. I asked Ryan if we could go and pick up a few of my favorite muffins from a bakery in Manitou. As I got dressed, the contractions continued…and intensified. By the time I was ready to slip on my shoes to leave the house, I couldn’t walk or talk through a contraction. I leaned up against the wall, my eyes closed, and I focused on my breath. When the wave passed, I told Ryan, “Scratch the muffins. Call my mom and Sarah (our doula). Tell them to get here NOW.”

By the time my mom and Sarah arrived, we had our hospital bags at the front door. Ryan ran outside and began loading them in my mom’s car. I stood on the front porch as another contraction hit. I leaned over the metal railing and focused on my breath again.

We arrived at the hospital a little after nine. In triage, our nurse checked me: I was 5 ½ centimeters, 90% effaced, and the baby was in 0 position. We were good to stay.

As we waited to get settled into our room, my contractions grew closer and closer together. I buried my head into the side of the bed, visualizing a calm beach and water rushing up and over my legs, my hips, and my belly. The brief breaks from pain were precious. Ryan and I would talk, hold hands, and I would attempt to regain my strength. Right before we left triage, I had to sit through a particularly painful contraction as the nurse inserted my saline lock (I needed to take a round of antibiotics because I had tested positive for Group B Strep). Thankfully, Marjorie was kind and praised my composure (it’s amazing what a little positive feedback can do for the psyche!)

We were finally allowed to go to our room almost an hour after arriving at the hospital. Lucy picked a popular day to be born…ten babies came during the day time shift! My sister, mom, and Ryan’s mom were waiting for us in the lobby. Seeing everyone’s excited faces made me even more eager to bring this little one into the world.

Marjorie had dimmed the lights in my delivery room, just as we requested. I wanted to give birth in a calm , “cave-like” environment, which isn’t necessarily easy to do at the hospital. But the staff made every effort to meet my requests (from the room environment to allowing me to labor in the tub). I am so thankful for the doctors and nurses who worked with us this past week!

My contractions grew more intense each minute. I spent most of the time in bed, facing away from my family (not because I didn’t want them there…but because each contraction required so much inner focus). This went on for about twenty to thirty minutes as Marjorie listened to Lucy’s fetal heartbeat. After the read was complete, she asked me if I still wanted to go to the tub. I had an intense contraction that almost took my breath away, and after coming down from it, I told her yes.

Ryan and I went to the tub room together. My doula had set up candles and we turned off all the lights. The minute my body hit the warm water, I felt like I had been transported. “I’m in heaven!” I told Ryan as he gently stroked my arm. But just when I had begun to get settled, another contraction came on and this time I felt the distinct urge to push. We pulled the red nurse rope and Marjorie came right in. She asked if she could check me, and we found out I was already 8 ½ centimeters dilated. At this point, it was time to call the doctor and get me back into the delivery room.

My OB is actually a family friend. She lives only a few houses up from my parents and I used to baby sit her young children. I was thrilled when we moved back to Colorado because I knew she’d be a great doctor for me and Lucy. Even though Judy Brinkman only delivers on days when she’s “on-call” she was sweet enough to make a special note in my chart. The hospital was to notify her when I went into labor and she would leave her office or her house to deliver our baby.

She came into the room a little after noon. She checked me and told me I was officially ten centimeters dilated. She also said that first time moms typically take about 2 hours to push. She had patients she needed to see at her office, so she asked Marjorie to monitor my pushing and call her when I got close.

TWO HOURS. I felt like I might pass out.  By this point, I was vocalizing loudly, humming in a low and then high octave during each contraction.

My first few attempts at pushing were nothing less than terrifying. I felt the urge to push but I couldn’t muster the strength to bear down. I felt completely lost and confused. I was worried they’d have to cut the baby out of me…exhaustion had never seen like the more apt word. I asked my sister to come over and pray. From what I’ve been told, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room as Susanne laid hands over me and prayed for strength and peace. It was the turning point in my labor.

What exactly happened I don’t know, but I found that the next time I pushed true progress was made. It was almost as if my spine curled around the contraction and then my body was able to focus on the exact right spot to push…such a bizarre but satisfying feeling. Everyone in the room cheered. They could see the baby’s head.

The next fifteen minutes was exhilarating. I was able to bear down and push through each contraction, bringing my baby closer and closer to me. Ryan exclaimed, “She has so much hair!” after a particularly successful round of pushing. It was just what I needed to hear to get me across the finish line.

After I pushed through another contraction, my nurse ran out of the room and told someone to call Dr. Brinkman. I was about to have this baby…with or without her. Two hours had turned into fifteen minutes. The pain was present but bearable. I knew that I was so close to holding her and this made my efforts of utmost importance.

Dr. Brinkman tried to get me to slow down to prevent tearing, but I couldn’t think outside the way I’d been pushing. I just wanted to hold her. After one more strong push, out she came. Seeing her—so alive and tangible—had to be one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I broke out in tears, or sobs, and I reached down to hold her hand as they let the umbilical cord pulse for a few more seconds. As I brought her up to my chest, I kept saying, “My baby, my baby” all while laughing and crying. All while thanking God for this incredible gift. Ryan and I held each other as we gazed into our baby’s eyes. I don’t know if I’ve ever been more in love with him. He was such a support during my pregnancy and delivery. Ryan was able to cut the cord–the life force between me and my daughter. I wouldn’t have trusted that sacred transition to anyone but him.

Words can’t do justice to the miracle that is birth, and I was lucky enough to have Kadi Spurlock from Up in the Sycamore in the delivery room with us. Please feel free to view the slideshow below. I’ve shared a few of the photographs here…but it all comes together in the video. She did an amazing job and these pictures are some of my greatest treasures. Lucy and I are falling in love and recovering more each day. Thanks to everyone for your kinds words and thoughts and prayers. Please enjoy the video of Lucille Amelia’s birth. We couldn’t stop crying the first time we watched it!

Lucy’s Birth (the video)

 

 

May 29, 2013

So yes, I’m still baking at 37 weeks. What else is new?

Cravings: Quesadillas. I think I’ve had a quesadilla everyday this week. Poor Ryan. I’m also still loving animal crackers and milk.

Health: We go see our OB today. We see her every week now! I’m hoping that I’ve dilated or the baby has dropped or something worth mentioning has happened. But these babies come on their own time, so I’m learning patience and trust. I bought a birth ball yesterday, and I’ve been bouncing on it and swaying my hips. The birth ball is WONDERFUL. I’m also feeling more hormonal than ever. At least that is what I’m blaming my mood swings on.

Fears: I haven’t been sleeping as well. I wake up anxious about the littlest and silliest things. It took everything in me not to get up at 2:30am and start working on projects around the house. Thankfully, Ryan held me and prayed over me, and I fell back to sleep. He’s been a champ.

Lucy: She likes to move her body now as there’s less room for her to move her legs. Ryan and I went to a movie the other night, and after a particularly exciting scene, my belly shifted completely to the right. (And yes, we became that annoying couple that starts laughing and whispering during a film). But honestly, Lucy had Matthew McConaughey beat. She loves hearing us talk to her, and we’re almost always successful at waking her up from a nap. A few gentle nudges and Ryan’s voice gets her moving on command. I can’t explain how excited I am to meet this baby. I visualize the moment again and again. I know it will be challenging and painful and stretching, but giving birth to her will be one of the most beautiful events of my life. I’m already claiming it.

June 5, 2013

And now for the fun part: 38 weeks pregnant!

Cravings: Banana walnut muffins. I haven’t been able to enjoy one of these yet. I’m very picky when it comes to baked good (surprise, surprise) and it’s been too hot to turn on my oven this week. Thankfully, Colorado Springs just experienced a drop in temperature, so I’m hoping to get my baking pans out this afternoon. Right now, I feel like I could eat half a dozen muffins.

Health: Lucy has dropped deep into my pelvis (which is part of the reason I feel so hungry…my stomach finally has room again!). I won’t get too graphic, but my body is progressing. Labor feels more and more imminent each day. Unfortunately, I found out I tested positive for Group B Strep last week. About 1 in 3 or 4 healthy women test positive. Group B Strep doesn’t cause problems for healthy adults but it can make babies very sick, so I’ll have to receive antibiotics during labor unless my body can clear the bacteria before then. When I envisioned my birth, I didn’t envision antibiotics, and so the news upset me (much more than it should have). But I learned over the course of this last week to let go more. To appreciate the miracle of what is happening and to understand that labor and delivery will be far different than what I want or expect. Of course, we still plan for a natural childbirth, but in the end, every women has to let go of her preconceived notions and let her body and her baby guide her. So Group B Strep turned out to be a good lesson for me. Sneaky bacteria.

The List: Ryan and I went to Boulder over the weekend. We enjoyed the farmer’s market, ate great food, and walked along Boulder Creek. We couldn’t have had a more perfect day. We also ate at a fancy restaurant (last night for Ryan’s birthday) with my sweet sister and brother-in-law. I still need to organize pictures from Paris, but Lucy’s nursery is completely finished, which means I’ve crossed off both frivolous and practical items from our pre-baby list.

Hopes: As I get closer to delivery, I find my fears abating. Instead, I’m filled with hope and a deep sense of joy. I imagine holding her for the first time. I imagine Ryan kissing her forehead. I imagine the quiet moments we’ll share in the middle of the night. Of course, I know that newborns are work. I know there will be days where I’m exhausted and frustrated and anxious. But I’m going to be a mother to a daughter, and Ryan will be a father to his sweet girl. She’ll delight us in ways that no other human being could, and we’ll all grow together, as a family and as individuals. I couldn’t be more thankful for the opportunity to bring all of this into our world.

June 12, 2013

99 Degrees and 39 weeks pregnant!

Cravings: Peanut butter and bananas are my new power food. Freshly pressed juices, hard-boiled eggs, and English muffins are also at the top of the list.

Health: Last week, my OB checked me and I was 3 centimeters dilated and 70% effaced. She told me, “You have a lovely cervix for a first time mom,” which I took as a compliment (although one I don’t entirely understand). My OB went out of town over the past weekend and so I hoped and prayed Lucy would wait until her return. Wait, she did, but now I feel like she won’t ever come out! I have almost constant braxton-hix contractions throughout the day, but nothing too painful. Two of my friends (with babies due around my due date) have welcomed their little ones into the world. I’m trying to not get impatient! My older sister Susanne’s first baby was 10 days late…so we’ll see what happens. I’m still walking and stretching and enjoying every movement of hers I feel inside me.

Fears: Fears have transitioned into manageable concerns. There is so much we don’t know (about labor and delivery, about parenthood), and yet I’m confident Ryan and I will handle each obstacle with love and grace. A huge forest fire erupted in Black Forest yesterday. My sister and her family were evacuated from their home, and we still have no idea if it’s standing. The fire is near the hospital, and there’s much concern throughout our community. Just last year, my parents nearly lost their house in the Waldo Canyon Fire. Lucy will be coming into the world at a very tumultuous time here. Please keep the people of Colorado in your prayers.

Hopes: There is a peony bush in our front yard. We haven’t done any landscaping since we moved into our new home, so this spring has brought surprise after surprise as bushes turn from brown to green. Just yesterday, the peony bush began to bloom and as I walked outside I told Lucy that the tiny pink flowers were blooming for her. I hope that Lucy learns to find beauty in this world, a world that can be unpredictable and often frightening. We’ll surround her with love and support as she grows from a newborn to a little girl, and we’ll take time to point out the small miracles that flood our days.

Ryan and I have completed nearly every item on our list. Now we’re just waiting. I’ve loved being pregnant, and I know I’ll miss her inside of me once her birthday finally comes. And so I’m taking each moment as a special gift and savoring these last few days we have together, as one.

June 14, 2013

I’ve been spending time with my family and friends, and I’ve been organizing every inch of my house. Not only did I make these soft and chewy peach cookies yesterday, but I put the finishing touches on Lucy’s nursery. So after a long week, a little dose of sweetness is bound to do everyone good.

I adore this letter pressed card. Too pretty to store in a box.

Baby book (completed and ready), a sweet picture of my mom, and two gifts made with love.

Someone’s new favorite place to nap.

Rocker and changing table (painted by my mom) and a precious quilt made by Ryan’s cousin.

June 19, 2013

And yes, the day has arrived. We’ve made it to 40 weeks.

Cravings: Chips and salsa. Ryan and I found a delicious salsa vendor at the farmer’s market. We are eating copious amounts of salsa. Pasta with marinara sauce and cheese. Hard-boiled eggs. Banana pancakes (still).

Health: For being 40 weeks pregnant, I feel amazing. I do have moments of discomfort (namely, getting out of bed), but for the majority of my day I feel strong and present. I’m walking mornings and evenings now, and the movement works out any kinks in my hips or back. My cervix is ready to go (according to the doctor) but we’re still waiting for those first “real” labor pains to begin. For the past few nights, I’ve felt the twinges of possibility. Cramps, longer contractions, etc…but then I fall asleep and wake up feeling fine. I have an induction date set for July 1st (eek) but we’re hoping and praying she’ll come on her own time.

Fears/Hopes: I feel more prepared for labor and delivery than I have throughout my pregnancy. And I can’t say it’s because I’ve obtained enough facts and tidbits of birthing knowledge. Instead, this confidence feels more primal. It’s as if my body is already beginning to take over, to push my “mind” and all of its anxiety aside. I know that our birthing experience will be different than what I imagine, but I also know that my body and her body are capable. Ryan and I woke up this morning and imagined how beautiful it will be to have our daughter resting between us. We imagined touching her tiny fingers, running our own weather-worn hands across her still perfect skin. There will be long nights and hard days but we’ll be living and breathing and growing together. It is an understatement to say we’re ready for her arrival.

Family: As I mentioned, my sweet little sister is arriving today. She’ll be in town until Saturday night, so we’re hoping that this baby decides to come soon. My mom and older sister are here in Colorado Springs, as is Ryan’s mom and brother. We’re thrilled to have the support and love of so many family members. In sad news, please keep Ryan’s cousin, Kevin, in your prayers. Sweet Kevin is in a coma after sustaining a brain injury due to an undiagnosed AVM. The prognosis has not been good, and we’re all heartbroken for him, his girlfriend, and his family. Kevin is only in his mid-twenties and has so much life to live. This terrible tragedy reminds me of the road we walked down in March of 2011. My oldest sister’s birthday is this Sunday. Pam passed away two years ago after a horrible car accident. So although we’re surrounded by the hope and joy of new life right now, we’re also reminded of its fragility.

I hope and pray that this will be my last pregnancy update. Next week, I could be sharing baby pictures! I want to thank you all for your love and support during this journey. Each message and comment brightens my day.

June 21, 2013

I’m 40 weeks + 2 days. Wildfires have filled our normally clean Colorado air with smoke. Walking is far less enjoyable when a) you feel like your stomach is about to burst and b) you can’t escape the smell of thousands of acres burning. Sleeping is also far less enjoyable when a) your house is a balmy 80 degrees due to no AC and the inability to open windows (smoke) and b) you’re 40 weeks + 2 days pregnant.

If it seems like I’m complaining here, you’re right.

But it doesn’t take me long to go back to early fall. To the weeks and the months that we waited and tried and hoped that somehow my body would “fix” itself and we would be able to conceive. It doesn’t take me long to remember that day in the fertility clinic, where we first saw our baby girl, a small blob on a grey screen. We had walked in that morning expecting to hear how much money it would cost to go through treatment…the likelihood of treatment working…and the toll treatment might take on my body. This would be the second fertility clinic we tried that year, and so we had a fairly good idea of what our initial appointment would look like. But instead, we walked out that morning with the secret knowledge that something miraculous had already started inside of me. It was and will always be the most perfect October day.

And so even though I’m sore and tired and grouchy this morning, I’m also thankful that each day holds the promise of a miracle.

June 24, 2013

I’m still here! 40 weeks + 5 days. I promised I’d post until baby came…but I’ve reached a point where I’m not baking nearly as much as I normally do. Instead, Ryan and I went swimming this weekend. We walked copious amounts. We found my new favorite coffee shop/bakery (more to come on this soon). And we even went to a wedding. I’m off to take a non stress test this morning to make sure baby is doing well. If she is, we’ll just keep on waiting. Thank you for all the love and support!

 

April 11, 2013

As strange as it might sound, I think it finally hit me this week: we’re having a baby. At this point, I’m very comfortable with being pregnant, but in a matter of weeks, I’ll begin a new chapter. I’ll be a mom. And this reality–motherhood–is both exciting and terrifying. Maybe I’ve come to realize the realness of little Lucy because her kicks are no longer just playful jabs. Her movements are powered by real, strong, baby legs. And when she turns, I can feel the heft of her body. My stomach moves to one side, and Ryan can run his fingers along her back. Or maybe it’s because we’re finally in our new home. Lucy has a bedroom now. Her crib is sitting beneath her window. The changing table is by the door. This new environment, our first home, inspires visions. Visions of her crawling. Visions of her coming home from school. Visions of weeknight dinners with a family of three.

I’ve heard this is natural. These feelings of ambivalence and even fear. I’m thankful I have the support of my family. A well-placed sentence can do wonders to calm a nervous mama’s heart. And Ryan and I are so thankful for our new home.

April 22, 2013

Ryan and I had one of those weekends. We spent time with family and each other. We ate good food prepared by people I love (and we, ourselves, made a delectable orange chicken on Friday night). Ryan woke up early on Saturday to make me an omelet, and we drove around Colorado Springs hitting up estate sales and garage sales while I munched on pancakes (yes, pancakes are now portable for this 32 week pregnant woman).

At this point in my pregnancy, I receive welcome and unwelcome comments and advice. For example: we met a sweet old woman at Mountain Mamas (a local natural foods store) who spoke about birth with such excitement that I couldn’t help but look forward to the day I bring Lucy into the world. She advocated swaddling, baby-carrying, and co-sleeping. I listened, grateful for her kind and joyful advice, while she scanned my milk and pink lady apples.

And then, on Sunday, while Ryan and I waited outside an old dinky estate sale, we met the father of Max (Max was a big and frightful two-year-old). Max’s father couldn’t stop talking about the stresses of parenthood. He told us where to buy the cheapest formula (Costco) and reminded us, yet again, that our lives were going to become very different and difficult in a few weeks. “But,” he finally did say, “I do love my son.”

 

So as I think about parenthood, I remember the importance of listening to that still, quiet voice inside of me. I think parenting will be one of our greatest adventures, and I know that we’ll make many mistakes and have many successes. There are so many opinions swirling around us, and at times, it feels overwhelming. Should we use cloth diapers? Should we co-sleep? How should we discipline? What role should media play in our child’s life? The list goes on and on.

But then I remember what Ryan and I do best: we love each other, in small and quiet ways. And I know we’ll be okay.

April 24, 2013

 

April 26, 2013

I had planned on writing this post as soon as I got home from my OB appointment. Instead, I cleaned my house, mopped the floors, and made a batch of banana pancakes. Anyone who knows me well, understands that this behavior is a nervous response. Once I hit about 8 weeks, I haven’t had any worries in my pregnancy. The baby has been healthy. My blood tests have come back normal. My weight gain has been appropriate.

But today, my OB expressed what I call, “slight concern.” My fundal height (the measurement of my stomach/uterus) was behind schedule. “Nothing significant,” she assured me but not without ordering an ultrasound to make sure Lucy was growing the way she should be. Of course, that ultrasound couldn’t be scheduled until later next week. Not good for a mama who is prone to anxiety and worry. My sweet husband reassured me on the way home. He prayed over us, and we both felt Lucy move at his touch. Often, taller women carry their babies more internally. We have more room for our uterus to expand inside. In all likelihood, we’ll go to our ultrasound next week and see a healthy and growing little girl. But I still needed to clean the house and bake when I got home from the doctor. I still worry that something might not be right: my placenta isn’t giving her enough nutrients, the cord is deficient, etc, etc…

Yet then I remember that by worrying, I do nothing but send stress hormones through my body and Lucy’s body too. I trust that this baby was meant to be a beautiful and healthy part of our family. I hold onto the little kicks she gives me after I eat something sweet like an apple. And I’m thankful we live in a country where medical care is accessible and often exceptional.

May 3, 2013

As you know, we had a small scare last week. Or, more accurately, I had a small scare last week (Ryan remained valiant through it all). When we went in for our biweekly check-up at the OB, she mentioned that my stomach hadn’t grown since she’d last seen me. She scheduled an ultrasound to make sure that our Lucy was still growing, receiving nutrients from the placenta. She tried to assure me that likely everything was just fine. But I didn’t (and still don’t) like the word “likely.”

Ryan and I had a difficult time conceiving. We were in the office of a fertility specialist when we found out we were pregnant. My first twelve weeks were touch-and-go. My progesterone levels dropped around 8 weeks, causing me to bleed and sending us to the ER. When we finally made it to the second trimester, I felt such relief and gratefulness. When we saw Lucy at our anatomical scan in January, I cried. The ultrasound tech told us again and again, “She’s just perfect.”

So when I thought there might be something wrong, when I feared my body had stopped doing what it was supposed to do, I panicked. Thankfully, I had my stellar husband, a few good friends, and my sweet mom to reassure me: everything’s going to be alright.

And yesterday morning, we confirmed just that: everything with Lucy is fine.

Not only is she still growing, but she’s a few days ahead of schedule, weighing almost 5 lbs. She’s nestled down into my pelvis (ready to go into the world!) and she’s still keeping her hands close to her sweet face. Wonderful reassurance. Just what I needed to carry us through these last weeks.

May 6, 2013

May 8, 2013

So we’re now at 34 weeks, and I thought I’d share how we’re all doing as the big day looms closer.

Cravings: Pizza, bagels with cheese, bacon, tortilla chips, and coconut cake

Fears: Ryan and I want a natural childbirth, but I’ve definitely been feeling a bit more intimidated about laboring without pain medication. Maybe I’ve just been watching too many birth videos, but I worry that I won’t be able to handle the intensity of transition and pushing. Thankfully, we have a GREAT doula, and I know she’ll help me talk through some of these fears.

Exercise: Margot (our pup) and I still walk 2-3 miles each day. I’m moving slower now, so I listen to Terry Gross a bit longer on my IPOD, but we’re making it out everyday. I’m also doing squats whenever I think about it, which means Ryan finds me awkwardly moving up and down as I brush my teeth.

Nursery: Lucille Amelia’s nursery is almost complete! We still need to hang up a few pictures, and my mom is painting my great-grandmother’s rocker…but it definitely looks like her room, and I can’t wait to share it with you in a few more weeks!

Health: We had an appointment with my OB today and all looks well. Lucille is in the 56 percentile, and my OB thinks she’ll be around 7.5 or 8 lbs if we get to 40 weeks. My blood pressure is right on track. And even though Lucy is already 5 lbs, I’ve only gained a total of 16. Here’s to hoping to a healthy and happy 6 more weeks!

Ryan: My sweet husband has been nothing but love to me. He comes home from work and showers us both with affection. He sings to Lucy, talks to Lucy, and plays with Lucy (she kicks him, he nudges her back). I can already tell they’re going to be close. She has him wrapped around her finger already. And tomorrow we celebrate 4 years of marriage. I’ve never loved him more.

 

May 15, 2013

How am I doing at 35 weeks?

Cravings: chocolate pudding, animal crackers, ham and cheese sandwiches, granny smith apples

Fears: How am I going to get everything done? I feel like my to-do list is a mile long and my productivity is waning. Unfortunately, I’ve also become VERY indecisive. Should I buy this nursing bra? Or that one? Should we use a Moses basket? Or a bassinet? I think the plethora of opinions and information is becoming more of a curse than a blessing.

Exercise: Margot and I are still walking about 2 miles each day. The weather has warmed up finally, so Ryan and I usually take an evening walk as well. My energy is much better in the mornings though, so I often tire out after about twenty minutes of walking at night. I’m also hoping to take a prenatal yoga class this week.

Nursery: Lucille Amelia’s nursery (and the rest of our house) needs to be cleaned and organized before our housewarming party on Saturday. Yet another to-do on my list! But her room is exactly what I hoped for…soft vintage touches paired with practical baby-gear.

Health: As I shared over the weekend, we had a scare last Thursday night. Turns out I’m allergic to shellfish. We spent our anniversary evening at the Labor and Delivery Unit. Thankfully, both baby and me are just fine now. But I won’t be eating shrimp or mussels anytime soon!

Ryan: We celebrated our anniversary (again) on Saturday night due to how poorly Thursday ended. Rioja in Denver is now my favorite restaurant in Colorado, maybe even the country, and we were treated to a four course dinner that I won’t forget anytime soon. Ryan and I are enjoying these last few weeks of being just HIM and ME. We’re going out to eat, we’re watching movies, we’re hosting parties, and we’re taking long walks. I’m very much in love with both my baby and my husband. I couldn’t feel more blessed!

 May 17, 2013

So I’m a list maker. Type A on most days of the week. With Lucy’s arrival just around the corner, Ryan and I have been trying to savor these last few days. “Trying” is the operative word. Because even though I know we won’t ever have this time again (just him and me), I’m also plagued with practicality. So when Friday night rolls around, I’m often torn between going out to see a movie with Ryan…and organizing my bedroom closet.

This simply can’t be.

So with a little more than 30 days to go before my due date, I came up with a list. A list of fun (and even a few practical) activities I’d like to do before Lucille Amelia is born. Now, of course, I realize that she could come at any time, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t care if the list is completed. But having these goals motivate me to leave the house, to enjoy time with my husband, and I’m happy to say we’ve already been crossing items off our list.

1. Dine at two NICE restaurants. This means at least 3 dollar signs on Yelp.

2. Go to a show. Ryan and I met at an Architecture and Helsinki show many years ago. We’re hoping to catch David Ramirez at the beginning of June!

3. Go see a movie. Maybe Great Gatsby? There aren’t too many good films out right now…but we need to do it while we can!

4. Hike in the mountains. We live in Colorado. No excuses.

5. Finish reading a novel. I’m about 100 pages into the Marriage Plot. Totally attainable.

6. Enjoy a leisurely breakfast at Adam’s Mountain Cafe. Already done!

7. Go to Boulder’s Farmer’s Market and pick up doughnuts from Dizzy Doughnuts.

8. Invite my sweet niece Halley over for a sleepover.

9. Host a dinner party.

10. Go out to eat with friends (at least twice). One down, one more to go!

11. Finish Lucy’s baby book. I told you there were some practical items on this list.

12. Print and organize pictures from Paris. Another.

13. Host a party.

14. Hang pictures and shelves in nursery.

15. Work in the front yard with Ryan. Pick out flowers and bushes.

16. Write. Daily.

17. Spend time with our siblings. Even if it means a long phone date!

18. Spend time with our parents. We have great ones.

19. Paint rocker with mom.

20. Go on a picnic.

May 22, 2013

A huge success during my 36th week of pregnancy!

Cravings: animal crackers with whole milk, ham and cheese sandwiches, banana pancakes (yet again), peanut butter and bananas, chips and salsa

Fears: Wow. This has been a harder week for me emotionally. I’m grappling with change. Not only are we expecting our first baby in a few weeks, but I also finished graduate school this May. For the past several years, I’ve lived a busy and achievement-focused life. I worked hard in school, I obtained a wonderful internship at the Department of Veteran Affairs, I published several short stories, and I gained the admiration of several respected professors and peers. And now, I’m going to be a mother. And now, I’m going to stop all the busyness, all the activity, and take care of our precious little girl. I’m happy I have the opportunity to do this–to stay at home and be a mom–but I’m also terrified. My self-worth is tied to many things and I’d be lying if I said achievement wasn’t one of them. I’m trying to process these complicated emotions now but I know it will be a process. Motherhood is a beautiful thing, but it’s also about sacrifice.

Exercise: Yep. Margot and I are still walking. I’m doing a variety of yoga poses at home (but I haven’t had the chance to go to an actual prenatal yoga class yet). I’m doing wall push-ups in hopes that my long and thin arms will beef up just a little bit before baby comes.

Health: We’re now meeting with our OB every week. So far, both baby and I are doing really well. Low blood pressure, ideal weight gain, and no signs of early labor. I do have braxton-hixes throughout the day, but they’re manageable.

Ryan: Sweet man woke up this morning to find me in a bad mood. So what did he do? He changed our sheets, folded the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, and told me, “Everything is going to be okay.” Ryan is such a comfort to me. He held his 2-week old cousin on Saturday and nearly started to cry. He can’t wait to meet his daughter.

May 24, 2013

A pie for Lucy

A belly round

An afternoon fit for tea

The love of my life

A Strawberry and Blueberry Pie with an All-Butter Crust

A cup of tea and a smile

A lamb for her nursery

A book to pass the time

Eager anticipation

The promise of Spring

So much love

A HUGE thanks to Kadi Spurlock from

Up in the Sycamore