“a portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014″

(And thanks to the ever lovely Jodi for inspiring us all…)

Suicide sucks. We lost Ryan’s father four years ago. We lost my brother-in-law two years ago. Both in January, which makes an already cold month feel even colder. This is our first January with our daughter, and while she hasn’t healed our wounds (we would never want to give her that burden) she has granted us the opportunity to look at January anew.

And we’re seeing laughter.

She delights me with her toothy smile each morning. When Ryan brings her into the bedroom, we often end up laughing. Her clear delight in the nearing possibility of breastmilk makes me forget I’ve had yet another wakeful night.

She smiles at strangers and wins the hearts of those she meets. Our daughter is a charmer, and I can’t wait to see the people she softens in the years to come.

And does she eat? Well, not really. She likes to stick stalks of broccoli into her mouth but still isn’t keen on swallowing. And yes, that’s still perfectly fine with me.


Much love to you guys this weekend. I’ll be back on Monday with one of my favorite recipes: overnight refrigerator rolls.


Anecdotes and Apple Cores

31 thoughts on “2/52

  1. sallybr

    My former boss in a lab in France decided to take his own life a few years ago, leaving behind three kids, including a beautiful 8 year old daughter… It is beyond sad and I know that family and close friends will never be able to fully recover from the shock.

    it is wonderful that you can look at January under a different light, a bright light indeed, with gorgeous charming eyes…

  2. Kayle (The Cooking Actress)

    Lucy is definitely a wonderful little miracle. I’m glad she’s able to bring you guys so much joy. Whenever a photo of her pops up on my instagram feed I’m immediately smiling. My fiance Michael said yesterday (after I made the, now common, exclamation of “awwwwww Lucyyyy!”) “She really is like the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.” true story

  3. Charisse

    I have not had suicide impact my life, directly. But I do work for the local suicide prevention and crisis service and I can only pretend to imagine the pain and heartbreak that you have to deal with due to those losses. My agency runs a crisisline via both phone and chat and I have seen some horrible heartbreaking stories from those that are wavering in their decision to take their lives.

    Your daughter is ultra adorable and I love seeing posts with her in them.


  4. Connie

    She is precious, for sure…….my niece just committed suicide….Christmas Eve……yes, it is awful………
    Glad your “angel” can brighten your lives and grateful for your site here. Thank you

  5. Jessie

    This month must be so hard for you and Ryan *hugs* Having this sweet little girl around must be such a delight – isn’t it amazing we can feel such sorrow and such happiness at (almost) the same time? What a wonderful way to bookend your post :)

  6. Gina

    I hate that you had to go through all that pain. Lucy reminds me so much of my older daughter, she woke up with a smile every day, my second one woke up crying every day. So I know Lucy is going to always have that sweet personality. January is a hard month, and I hope with each passing day things get easier for the both of you. I love seeing Lucy’s pictures she just radiates sunshine.

  7. Noa Lynne

    Little Lucille is a perfect creation! And you are the best mama and papa for her! I love the words you write as you move through life with such grace!

  8. Kate

    Children can’t (and shouldn’t) carry the burden of replacing grief. But it is absolutely amazing that they are able to bring sunshine into an otherwise cloudy moment, sometimes helping you move past a hard spot, even for a brief time.

  9. Katy

    What an adorable photo. Do you really plan to take a photo once a week for the whole year? That’s such a great project and I can imagine you’ll put the photos together for her some day when she’s older…she’ll love it.

  10. Marcie

    I’m sorry about your family members — what horrible tragedies! The wounds are never completely healed, but they get a bit easier to deal with over time. Thank goodness you have your lovely daughter to make you smile!

  11. Krista

    She is such a light for the unbearable darkness you continue to walk through. XO Wishing you deeper healing, deeper peace this year.

  12. Consuelo @ Honey & Figs

    Sorry for your loss, darling. I hope that she can help you both help trough the pain in a way that it’s not a burden for her.
    She’s more beautiful every day, what a sweet baby!
    Have a wonderful weekend, and enjoy the time with Lucille! <3

  13. Nami | Just One Cookbook

    I’m truly sorry for your loss. Some things in life are so hard to overcome, BUT I think Lucie just changed whole view of January to a totally new perspective. It’s amazing how a new life (or a little person) can do!

  14. Chris Scheuer

    So sad about your father in law and brother in law, wow and all at the same time of the year. I know that you little Lucy brings sunshine on the darkest days, not that you expect that of her but just because of who she is. Such a little doll! You are very blessed!

  15. John@Kitchen Riffs

    So sorry about the double loss you and Ryan experienced. That’s a hurt that recedes, but never totally disappears. Alas. Lucy isn’t an antidote – that would be unfair to her – but she must be so comforting. There’s the future, and hope, and it’s spelled L U C Y.

  16. Beth

    The sad times will always be with us, but it’s a gift to be able to enjoy the joy that a child brings. Life is all about the happy and sad mixed together, isn’t it?

  17. Liren

    Nothing could heal those wounds, but I’m so grateful that little Lucy is blessing you with showers of smiles each and every day. She is precious, and a reminder of all the good things in life, despite all the sorry. Hugs!

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